The knife cut across my arm.  I still remember a time that this hurt me, I would cry in agony from the pain.  I still cry inside bit it has nothing to do with the blade going through me nor the blood rushing out of me.  I felt this pain inside because today was a day like every other day, certainly a reason to cry.

Maybe it was just the teenage angst talking but I thought I had a horrible life, worse then any other life.  It was hard not to think that when my father would break glasses and take swings at my sister and I daily.  I want to go live with my mother wherever she is, but apparently a drug addict isn’t fit to be a mother.  I guess the judge wasn’t paying attention to the black eyes and bruises when he said that my dad would be perfect for taking possession of my sister and me.  That was the last time I heard him called dad, seemed to nice, to kind a term for such a man.  Not that I ever talked to him anyway, he never heard a sound from me, years ago he would have heard tears but I gave that up.

I would have loved to continue cutting but I had to get to school.  Not that I liked school, as a matter of fact hell seemed an appropriate term for it, even though there wasn’t as much physical pain there, I had lots of emotional pain to make up for that.  The halls of the school, the classrooms of the school, the whole damn school was just another source of pain for me.

They threw stuff at me, they stared, and they laughed.  The makeup I wore made me a freak and I guess to them freaks either didn’t feel pain or they just deserved pain brought on them.  The teachers weren’t much better, sure they didn’t say anything but I could see it in their eyes, they were afraid, afraid of the spikes on my bracelets and collar, afraid of the clothes I wore, afraid of what they didn’t understand.  I guess people just figured I didn’t care that they hated me since I never bothered to change.  Of course that was total bullshit.  Everyone wants to be loved.  But by these people?  I would rather be hated then accepted.

I arrived at school but as soon as I got there I realized I didn’t want to be there.  That was the one good thing about school the fact that I only had to go when I felt like it.  I used to be afraid of skipping because I might get a plate thrown at me at home for doing so but then I realized that even if I went to all my classes dad would still find a reason to throw a punch, that’s what it was like at home, wouldn’t matter if I killed someone or just spilt some water.  I think the abuse had stopped being about punishment and just became some sadistic hobby of his.

When I didn’t go to class, which was a lot of the time I went and got the only comfort left in my life, the good ol' pain numbers.   Drugs were pretty easy to find in this city, it seemed like the only people who couldn’t find the drug dealers were the cops.  The ally by the school parking lot seemed like a good place to go, there was always someone selling something back there.  I walked down the stairwell to the parking lot, I knew these stairs well, its where all the cool kids hang out and I have had a fair few coins, pencils and the like thrown at me here.  I walked off the last step of the stairs when I was struck on the head with something, something glass and it shattered upon impact.  Although I didn’t feel it for very long as I then began to lose consciousness.

I woke up; my eyes were trying to adjust.  My head was pounding, I touched my hand to where what I'm guessing was a glass bottle hit me, I felt blood, not a dangerous amount which was good, I didn’t much feel like going to the hospital.  My eyes finally adjusted, I was now under the stairs, whoever hit me must have dragged me here to avoid any trouble.  I also noticed the lack of sound and light.  School must have been over and it was starting to get dark.  No more time for shooting up, had to get home before dark to avoid the wrath of my father.

By the time I got home darkness had come and I prayed I wasn’t too late.  Between the dizziness and pain of my head and the fearful shaking of my hands getting the door unlocked was near impossible.  My fears were assured as soon as I closed the door, I heard him screaming and I knew what was coming.

I walked into the kitchen and was instantly hit with a very loud and long rant that I’m not to sure of what it was about.  He must have noticed my lack of interest, his fist came flying at my face and slammed into my eye quite hard, adding to the pain I already had from my previous injury.  All that pain was almost unbearable, so bad that I almost dropped to the floor.  But no, I couldn’t do that, couldn’t show weakness in front of him.  I tried not to look phased by his blow, it must have been convincing because he seemed to be finished now and walked away grumbling.  Taking my chance to get away I went straight to my room.

Once I got to my room I noticed something was happening, tears were going down my face, that hadn’t happened in a long time.  Maybe today was just unusually bad; maybe I was finally starting to have enough.  I grabbed my knife from my dresser and crawled into bed.  I began to cut my arms and it felt better then it ever had before.  Then I went to cut the other arm but as I was doing that my eyes started to get heavy and I began to fall asleep.

I awoke in a hallway that seemed uncomfortably familiar.  There was someone at the other end of the hall, a woman; she seemed to glowing with light and radiance, like an angel.  Although no words came from her this mystery woman seemed to be calling me and she had this inviting aura that I couldn’t refuse.  When I was just a few steps away from her it hit me, it all became clear.  The woman was my mother and this hall was my old house, this was everything I had to leave behind and everything I wish I could have back.  I embraced her and began to cry into her shoulder, it felt just like how things were when I was young, how things should be.

Then I woke up from the dream, I still had the tears coming down my face that began in my sleep but at least the pain in my head went away.  Oh how I wish that dream were real, that I could leave here forever and be with my mom.  Without even being aware of it I began to fall asleep again and I slept through the rest of the night undisturbed.

The sound of rain hitting the window woke me up the in the morning.  I was glad it was raining that always seemed to make me feel better.  I got out of bed out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom.  I looked into the mirror.  The bastard gave me a black eye when he hit me.  I found something to cover up the mark with and put it on.  I still looked like hell but it was no big deal looking like I had been beaten I decided not to go to school today anyway so the only person who would be seeing me would be the first drug dealer I could find.

Since I wasn’t going to even stop at school today I figured I would just go straight to the alleyway behind the parking lot.  There I found this little guy-selling heroin, he looked so messed up it was a miracle that he had any drugs left to sell.  I bought enough to last me a few weeks.  That was the only good thing about dad, he had a pretty high paying job and he was to stupid to notice if some money went missing.
A lot of people went up and down this allay so it was a little dangerous to do it here.  There was an abandoned building about two blocks away and none even went there, I wasn’t quite sure why the dealers didn’t sell there.

I got there and sat down in an obscure dark corner, just enough light to see my veins.  I stuck the needle into my wrist and injected the drug into me, it was the best damn feeling in the world, even better then the knife at home going through me.  After a little while I began to feel the affects of the drug and started going into a daze.

I was startled back into reality in what was probably about an hour by a noise, it sounded like footsteps.  I thought that knowing my luck today was the one day that the cops would check this place.  I know my life was already crap but I didn’t want to have to go to jail or to some stupid drug rehab centre.  But as the footsteps got closer the person became partly visible, she definitely wasn’t a cop, looked like she was almost as messed up as the little guy I bought the heroin off of.  I wasn’t to comfortable with someone shooting up with me but I suppose I would have to live with it, I didn’t have the strength nor focus to get up yet.  The woman got closer but she didn’t seem to be pulling out any needles, instead she approached me and she asked if I had anything for sale.  I sat there a little stunned, none had ever tried to buy drugs off me, but then I came to my senses, I had tons of spare and this woman looked and sounded like she really needed it so I guess I could just charge her twice what I paid for it and make some good money.  I gave her my offer and she foolishly agreed, I guess I was right, she must have wanted it really bad.  She then walked even closer to me and into the same light I was using to find my veins, I saw her face and now I was in even more stunned, I was beyond belief.  It was my mother but she had changed a lot, had I not seen her the night before in my dream I probably wouldn’t have even recognized her.  I noticed that the inviting aura that was present in my dream was now totally dead, as a matter of fact I was sure she didn’t even recognize me.  In that moment of realizing that she had forgotten who I was all my hopes and dreams were smashed, my mother, my only way of escaping the hell of my life was gone, my mother was dead or at least as close to dead as you can be.  I didn’t know what to do or say, I once again felt like crying but something held me back, I knew I had to get out of here.  I dropped what I had pulled out to sell to her and ran out of there as fast as my legs could carry me in this state.

I must have still been in a daze from the recently injected drugs seeing as how I was walking around for what was probably hours and I wasn’t at all aware of what was going on.  As I began to snap out of it I realized that I could probably go home now, maybe my knife would make things feel better.

I got home expecting a bellow from the kitchen, but I heard nothing.  I walked into the kitchen and none was there.  I figured I would go ask my sister where dad was, why I cared I wasn’t sure, maybe I was just expecting this day to get even worse and without dad here to yell at me it felt unnatural.  I opened the door, there was my sister lying there on her floor, he must have done this.  It had never been this bad, he had never knocked either of us out.  I don’t know why but I didn’t check to see if she was alright, I just ran straight to my room.  I got there and instantly went for the knife, I began to cut myself over and over again, blood all over my arms, tears all over my face.  Then I stopped cutting, I stopped everything, even breathing, and I stopped to think. I was thinking about how my life was completely ruined by what had happened today, and then the idea came to me.  I knew now what I had to do, the time to end my life had come.  I took the knife and slashed open my left wrist.  The pain was almost unbearable but I knew I had to finish the job.  I put the blade into the other hand and slashed open my right wrist.  I was beginning to black out, the pain would soon be over for good, and I would soon be at peace.  I took one last look at my bloodstained wrists then closed my eyes, it was finally over.

I heard voices, damn it, I guess it didn’t work, but then I began to make out what the voices were saying.  One of them was talking to someone, he was saying that someone, I’m not quite sure whom, had lost too much blood and wasn’t going to make it.  He must have been talking about me, that means I had won, I wasn’t dead yet but I would be soon.  Then I heard footsteps coming towards me, and then someone started talking.  It was a woman, a familiar voice. It was my mother.  I couldn’t make out everything she was saying but I was able to understand that dad had taken himself into the police for knocking out my sister, and then she apologized for not saying hi to me earlier today.  So she had recognized me, if only I had tried to talk to her.  Then she said that she was going to take possession of my sister and I if I made it through this.  Hearing those words was like a cannonball to the gut because I knew I wasn’t going to make it out of here alive and if I had only kept myself alive for one more day then everything would have worked out.  I wanted to scream an apology but I couldn’t, I didn’t have the energy to speak. So I opened my hand hoping she would take it and she did.  It was the best feeling in the world, even better then it had been in the dream, I began to cry again and for the last time, I knew I was dying, sounds began to fade, my thoughts started to go silent, then everything stopped and I had to die knowing that I gave up happiness.